Saltwater Heart.

I'm so longing to be free...

So, so close!

So I'm in the final stretch.

The final moments of the school life. Of being a student, a school kid, a 'high school teen', etc. etc.

I'll be stepping into the real world very, very soon and I really am starting to get all fidgety, waiting for it to happen.

I'm not one of those people who hate school and can't wait for it to be gone from their lives.

I'm closer to the opposite of that.

Because honestly, I'm terrified about life after school, knowing I won't have the privileges that came with school life around me anymore.

I think about how I'll be so far removed from a lot of the friends I currently have and I become a bumbling mess of emotions.

But while this is happening, my skin is crawling with anticipation about getting out into the rest of my life, where the bigger things happen.

I'll have a chance next year to do as I please, pick up old hobbies, trace my fingers over old loves like the piano keys sitting dusty in the spare room.

I'll have the time to be myself, and discover what that looks like.

Time.

That's what it's about, isn't it?

I'm actually blogging at 1:02 in the morning while I'm supposed to be cramming for my art SAC tomorrow.

While simultaneously finishing a related Powerpoint presentation.

I hate Powerpoint presentations.

Also while juggling the need for my Vetamorphus workbook to be completed in full by tomorrow morning.

It's all happening, in the life of right now...

Yet I'm flipping BLOGGING.

About an hour ago I was sprawled out in the middle of my floor scribbling lyrics on a ripped out sheet of paper. 

I'm just not good with timing. All the thoughts I want to hold onto come stampeding over my mind while my brain is trying its hardest to be studious in my school studies.

Dude I am so very silly.

 

"...'Cause when I'm on Your shore again, I can feel the ocean. I can feel Your open arms, like a pure emotion. Guess I'm finally free, again..."

I feel so excited just listening to the terrible quality of a recording of Switchfoot performing their new song to a small, privileged crowd in Bali.

I already love it, with the dodgy audio and the lack of musical equipment.

Rambling...

Ready to just... be done with this Ai Weiwei artist and his constant provoking of the Chinese government. 

Ready to be on our spontaneous, yet miraculously organized 5 day trip to Merimbula in the upcoming holidays.

Ready for the new season, too!

"And the Spring is coming soon, my friend..." I keep singing this line from One Heart; One Million Voices by New Empire.

Incredible song.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT I'M GOING.

I wish I was more practical and logical and realistic.

At least during times like these.

I wanna turn it all off...

I know all the lines to say, the part I’m expected to play.
But in the reflection, I am worlds away.
As I put my costume on, eyelashes one by one...
Been doing this so long I can tie the knot behind my back.
And everyone’s waiting, but it’s getting harder to hear what my heart is saying,

'Cause everyone’s waiting...

Just swallow and breathe, she says.
Remember this ain’t for you it’s for them.
And all of those painful lessons you’ve had to learn, you gotta use them.

Now or never.
'Cause everyone’s waiting, but it’s getting harder to hear what my heart keeps saying.
Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off.

When everyone’s waiting .
It makes it harder to hear what my heart keeps saying.
Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off

But everyone’s waiting.
I hear that answers appear when you just stand still,
But make it all - how do you make it all stop,
When everyone’s waiting? 

* * * 

 

There was a comment I glanced upon as I was listening to this song:

"The world around you almost expects you to wear a mask and you get good at it. But deep inside it kills you that you don't even know yourself anymore. You convince yourself that this is a transformation but why is there sadness and guilt when you're alone."

Seeing others speak truthfully on a public internet medium always catches my attention.
The words above are just honest thoughts of some stranger, but haven't we all felt that way?
 We are always so guarded among others, that we analyze everyone around us until we find a fault we can take and use against them later.
We search for the flaws, and we immediately assume those nearby are only looking our way for an alterior motive.
And it's a horrible thing that happens.
As the world pushes for you to change into anything you don't want to be, it becomes common courtesy to assist in pushing others for the same thing. By tugging on the sleeves of others , we are pulling ourselves down.
Why is nobody helping each other?
Why is it that when we have two hands, perfectly capable of reaching out, we insist on using them to point and wag fingers, and shoo others away?

Sorry for such a negative rant, I'm just growing weary from all the pushing and shoving.
Of course it has always happened, and of course there have always been those that extend all four fingers and a thumb instead of just one.
I think I'm just in one of those ruts at the moment. You know, the ones where all you can see are the shaking of heads and all you can hear are the clucking of tongues?
All because you are trying to reach your destination by taking a different road.

This isn't really about just me and my situation, this is about the conventions of the world in general.
I'm just looking at the problem again, rather than doing something about it.
Maybe I'll close my mouth (or in this case, stop typing with my fingers) and stop whining, and move my feet to go and do something worth while.
Yep, I'm going to set my minds on the things above.