I could never explain.

The day is dimming and I'm yearning for you
I won't be satisfied till I see your face
Every victory, every loss
Every tick and every cross
You can put them all in place

It seems I'm finding more of why
In these moments
I feel like I'm made to sing of how good you are
The more the years swell by and pass
Each second more than last
It's true by far

That no profound thought or clever rhyme
No soaring grand, melodic line
No theory, philosophy or sign
Can explain it
Can explain

Where you are, I wanna be
It's your love that has changed me
I'd give the world, and all it's charms
For a moment in your arms
Better is one day with you
Than a thousand elsewhere
A thousand elsewhere....

why is this even happening.

philippines.

Seven days. Just seven days.

waiting

I wish to leave these safe sands

And join you in a golden sea,

Only to once again hold your hands

So you and i can forever be.

don't think.

Run child, run.

May the breeze race through your hair.

Trip through this life with ease

Before you are captured by a care.

War is over, If you want it. War is over now...

So this is Christmas...
And what have you done?
Another year over,
A new one's just begun.

And so this is Christmas,
I hope you have fun,
The near and the dear one,
The old and the young.

A merry, merry Christmas,
And a happy New Year.
Let's hope it's a good one,
Without any fear.

And so this is Christmas,
For weak and for strong,
For rich and the poor ones,
The road is so long.

And so happy Christmas,
For black and for white,
For yellow and red ones,
Let's stop all the fight.

A merry, merry Christmas,
And a happy New Year.
Let's hope it's a good one,
Without any fear.

This song sounds exactly like Christmas to me. In primary school we would have a Christmas Concert at the end of each year. At the end of the concert, everyone would line up in rows with youngest at the front, to oldest at the back, swaying side to side, and sing this song.
The girls would continue the chorus while the boys sung "war is over, if you want it, war is over now..."
Then Santa Claus would ride into the school grounds on a fire truck. Yes, a fire truck. We would be at the end of the song and then sirens would be sounding from off in the distance. Everyone would be excited and sing even louder.
Just a childhood memory.
But i miss it.

The last time that happened was 2005.
5 years later, Christmas Eve, and i hear the song on the radio. I haven't heard it before, except when we were singing it on stage.
But now that it IS christmas...
I randomly have that childhood excitement. Not as much as i used to have, but it's still a little bit there.
So that is good :)
But enough about me.
I pray you all have a lovely end to the year. May you be blessed above and beyond any and all of your expectations.
Merry Christmas everyone, and have a truly happy new year.
-xx-

Ending on a Positive i promise.

Listen,
if you want to know something, ask me.
Don't assume, don't guess, don't come to any conclusion about me.
Because honestly 75% of the time you will be wrong.
And right now, you are very wrong!
You know nothing about me to say such things.
And you don't seem to listen when i tell you the truth.
OK so now that's out in the open.
I hope this all goes away soon.


Moving onto a more upbeat and relevant note, yesterday was perfection.
Well almost.
But the gist of it was perfection.
It was how i want to be spending my Summer.
driving with friends to nowhere, anywhere.
Blaring music with everyone screaming the lyrics
(or repeating the word 'bum' to the bum song to be specific of yesterday).
Beach Towels.
Swimming in a lake.
Laying in the sun.
Putting sunglasses back into good use.
Wearing bathers underneath my clothes all day.
Doritos.
Not having specific plans, being spontaneous.
Sure, there were some negatives, but they were all stupid things you never dwell on.
Who cares if it was only the Cowarr Weir, and that the ground was slimy and furry at the same time.
Who cares if Jamie is good at stalling my dad's car haha.
Who cares if My thongs break the next day.
Who cares if My niece nearly vomits on my feet.
It was an awesome day nonetheless.
Tomorrow should be good weather again, finally.
It will also be Christmas eve.
So i'm imagining presents for my friends, and having a Pre-Christmas celebration with everyone.
Possibly a swimming pool or water fight.
Moral of the story is, the real way to enjoy yourself is to remember the little quirks and funnies of the day you've had.
After all, better to have positive memories, yes?

If...

i sometimes look at you and see you being in my life forever.
i really could quite happily live with that.
and that's when i can't stop watching you, almost studying your little quirks and the way you do things. it is intriguing, really. and it makes me love who you are even more.
i won't ever tell this to you, ever. in fear that a day will come in my life that you are not in as well.
i am hoping and praying that never happens because, well, i just really don't want it to.
i might not be able to cope with that, which is why i try not to think about it.
i prefer to focus on the fact that you're here in my life right now. so that is good. it is good.
...And you, you are great.

The science of nice.

"Here's a thing: yawning makes you a nicer person. Or, technically, being nice means you're more prone to contagious yawns.

Research has shown that people who stretch their jaws after others score higher on empathy tests- meaning they have a greater capacity to share the emotions of others.

So a yawn might not always mean, ' I am tired.'

Sometimes it means, 'Hello there fellow human being with thoughts and feelings. I know what you're going through. Give me a back rub while I yawn some more.' " - Frankie magazine.

:O

So i found this image...



.

on a Tumblr website. it had been used off of someone else who got it off of someone else and so on, plus it had comments saying how people likes the photo and were planning on using it themselves, etc etc.

The funny thing is... i have no idea who this girl is in the picture, BUT:

That's actually my hand. Below is the original photo:

YEP. So whoever this girl is, she must have seen the picture, liked it, and added to it. I showed my dearest brethren and explain, and the first thing he thought of was that i should sue her for copyright reasons. He kind of missed the point.

The point? This was just a random photo i took, and i forget where i posted it. But anyway, it shows that the simplest things we do have so much potential to affect the world. The picture affected this random girl, whoever she is. All i know about her is that she has some name i can't pronounce, and that she is from 'East Northumberland'... wherever that is.

So in a way i have affected that girl, from the other side of the world, with her own thoughts and emotions and personality. Well that is obvious, but the point is that each of us, even as one person, have the power to change the world in some way. I'm not stating that i have changed the world because of a random photo i took, but it just showed me that it can be possible.

Twas the night before Christmas

Twas' the night before Christmas and people were jaded
From hustling and bustling through malls they had waded.
They'd spent all their money and shopped till they'd dropped
But the meaning behind it seemed more and more cropped.
The joy and the laughter had gone from the season,
As media and retailers perverted the reason.

But for one group of people the light still shone through
The hype and commercialism they knew wasn't true.
The jingles and trappings they chose to ignore,
For them, Christmas wasn't something bought in a store.
Sure, the essence of Christmas is all about giving,
But God's kind of presents - a quality of living.

For this group of people Christmas wasn't about shopping
Or holidays and tinsel and food till you're popping.
To them it was time to worship and recall
The fact that God gave them the best gift of all;
The coming of Jesus and the changes he made
In the lives of his followers and the debt he repaid.

Rather than copy others and try to compete
They resolved to become a new Christmas elite.
They shunned all the junk mail and specials unending,
Refusing to be lured by material spending.
To all of the pressure and tension they cried, "Enough!
We want to get back to the true Christmas stuff!"

That night before Christmas these people decided
To stand up for truth that their culture derided.
They cut through commercialism and retailer bluster
With all of its hype and its tension and fluster,
And paused to give thanks to the God they adored
For his mercy and grace and their lives he'd restored.

They put to one side all the presents received,
The goodies that tempted and kept them deceived;
They turned their attention once more toward the Lord
To receive with both hands his heavenly reward.
The rest of their lives to Jesus surrendered,
And this Christmas became the best they remembered.

- Brian Winslade, 1998

Christmas Wishlist:

1. freedom.*
2. wings.*
3. the pet fish called minion from Megamind.
4. Mr Tumnus.
5. gills.
6. a time machine.
7. Heath Ledger.*
8. Johnny Depp.
9. Sunny weather.*
10. Polaroid camera.
11. a pan flute.
That's about all i can think of right now, in no particular order.
(the ones with * are top priority, however all of them would be nice.)

Thought I belonged,
But I know I don't.
Thought I had love
But it is not enough.
An aching inside, speaking to me.
How could I feel like this,
So aimless.

I've always known this wasn't home.

This day will be proactive.
I will get heaps done.
I'll sort out the shelves in my room.
I'll decorate the christmas tree. (better late than never)
I'll clean out the games room.
I'll actually eat.
I'll finish off gifts i've been making, and start new ones.
(i have no money because i'm actually a hobo, so i make things.)
I will finish writing that song.
I will put piano to it.
I will get rid of this stupid fly buzzing around me.
I will keep learning the acoustic guitar.
I will be happy.

Now every piece of my heart is falling back into place...

adieu

And i won't know.

You could be happy
And i won't know.
But you weren't happy
The day i watched you go.

And all the things
I wish I had not said,
Are playing on loops
'Til it's madness in my head.

Is it too late to remind you
How we were?
But not our last days of silence,
Screaming blur.

Most of what i remember
Makes me sure,
I should have stopped you
From walking out that door.

You could be happy
I hope you are.
You made me happier
Than I'd been by far.

Somehow, everything i own
Smells of you.
And for the tiniest moment,
It's all not true.

Do the things
That you always wanted to,
Without me there to hold you back.
Don't think, Just do.

More than anything,
I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite
Out of the whole world.

dreaming of simple.

When i think about it, living back in the olden days would have been quite lovely.
Really lovely actually.
There are simple things in living that our modern day life forgets.
Sitting peacefully in a swing chair on a porch reading a good book, with a light blanket wrapped around to warm yourself from the slight chill of Autumn.
Or curling up into a cozy arm chair, sipping on tea in front of the fire with family or friends and sharing stories during Winter.
Or spinning around in the daisies and falling onto soft green meadow grass in Spring, simply loving life.
Simply loving life, always.
Back when things were done for passion, for purpose, for fun, for love.
Not to satisfy ones own greed, lust, loneliness and pain.
I'm sure people back then would have experienced all the bad things too.
But they seem to know there are still such things as joy, as peace, as love and compassion and kindness of heart.
Do we remember these things?
I don't even know anymore.

crossroads

and now i don't know where to turn.

Resurfacing Insanities.

I've been thinking so so much the past week or two, my brain has gone into complete overload.
I never really thought you could think too much, since our brains are always constantly producing thoughts, feelings, emotions, chemicals, etc etc.
But oh, believe me, you can.
I've talked myself in and out of things.
I have complained, aspired, wondered, imagined, argued, decided, and come to terms with countless things, only inside my head.
I know that's basically what you do every day anyway, but it has been different lately.
I've loved life.
I've hated life.
I've wanted to live.
I've wanted to die.
I've wanted to change.
I've wanted to stay the same.
I've wanted to just stop everything, drop everything, and run.
And i have realized i absolutely suck at making decisions.

This year is almost over. Looking back at the first few blog posts, So much has changed.
I've made a lot of progress in my life, but the scary part is that i don't know whether it's a good thing or a slightly not good thing. I mean I'm getting closer to my dreams, and am growing stronger in that sense.
But at the same time, my endurance is growing weaker.
I keep questioning everything now.
And i feel useless.
I remember so many times that have happened in the past, where I have felt so happy and free. But lately i don't think i have ever truly felt that way.
It's Summer. FINALLY.
But it's pouring down rain, outside is cold now.
There are sheets of lightening flashing across the sky and thunder rolling loudly along the clouds.
Funny how it seems to match myself at the moment.
Think about it; Summer is known for it's sunny, hot days, spent with air conditioning, ice cream, beach trips and minimal clothing.
It was hotter when it was Spring.
This Summer so far has been storms, non-stop.
I myself am usually upbeat and happy.
I should be like that right now. I know everyone has ups and downs but gah, I dislike myself a lot when i'm like this.
Maybe these feelings will lift when the clouds do.
I'm just wondering how long that will take.
I told you my endurance is weaker now.

I'm dreaming of a new world, one of my own.
The oceans are emerald green mixed with bright blue.
The grains of sand are tiny crystals washed up on shore.
The drops of rain are diamonds falling.
There is a giant moon always showing, even during the daytime.
I can fly.
And I am free.

Basically, throughout this nonsense i have just typed, I'm not myself.
I don't feel how i should be feeling.
It's the end of the year, almost Christmas, almost New Years, almost 2011, and it IS Summer.
I have the Philippines mission trip coming up, the Skillet concert straight after, the Forest Edge Music Festival on its way which ends on my 17th birthday. Then the Colour Conference. Then possibly Mission's Beach. Then Hillsong again. And that is just what i know of, there is always plenty more things to come.
But STILL, I am not myself.
I don't feel right.
And i don't know if i can anymore.
What is right anyway?

........

Insanity? Clearly.

That is why

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of,
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall.
And I am not immune, I only want to be loved,
But I feel safe behind the firewall.

Burn away the pride,
Bring me to my weakness,
'til everything I hide behind is gone.
And when I'm open wide,
With nothing left to cling to,
Only You are there to lead me on.

'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.

If you want the truth, I need to confess:

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside.
And all I go through, it leads me to You, it leads me to You.

I'm not alright.
I'm not alright.
I'm not alright.

... that's why I need You.

Does anybody hear?

She is running a hundred miles an hour, in the wrong direction.
She is trying,
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart.

So she sets out on another misadventure, just to find
She's another two years older,
And she's three more steps behind.

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple,
With all the lost and lonely people,
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me.
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection,
That she never found at home.
She is searching
For a hero to ride in,
To ride in and save the day.
And in walks her prince charming,
And he knows just what to say.
Momentary lapse of reason,
And she gives herself away.

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple,
With all the lost and lonely people,
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me.
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple,
If lofty glances from lofty people,
Can't see past her scarlet letter,
And we've never even met her.

He is running a hundred miles an hour, in the wrong direction...

Death is appealing to me.

Your telescope eyes
See everything clearly
My vision is blurred
But i know what i heard
Echoing all around.

Oh can you feel the gravity falling

Calling us home

Oh can you see the stars colliding

Shining just to show

We belong.

Infinite

"You can remove a part of infinity, or add a part to infinity. But still, what remains is infinity."

∞

Let's waste time.

If i lay here
If i just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?