Just, holding on.

It's one of those moments for me again, when I feel so frustrated to be just one human.

I want to break off into a hundred different clones of me and explore the world, while being connected to one mind that takes all the experiences in.

I want to go and do things, change things, move things, shake things up a little, bring other things back to their original state, and put other things back in their place.

I want to look and see, and hear everything, and learn about it all. I want to be able to take life in, to grasp the incredible meaning of the small, delicate things, along with the big, strong things.

I want to understand the enormity of everything's purpose in this existential life.

"All of my days are spent within this skin; within this cage that I'm in."

I want to meet everyone. I want to learn about them, hear their stories, talk with them, share with them, be there for them, understand them.

...I think that's a really big thing for me. I want to understand.

I'm tired of being self-focused, inward-centered, and me-orientated.

I don't think I feel very satisfied when I'm spending time thinking about me.

The time is just wasted.

There are moments when I take on the mentality of, "Well, I know Jesus, therefore I am complete. I don't care what happens to me, now."

Not in the sense that I don't care about my life, because that is far from the truth.

I value the fact that I am alive. Having blood in your veins and breath in your lungs is something to be ecstatic for. But when are we ever really ecstatic about that?

Have we ever been?

What I think when I say 'I don't care what happens to me', is that I should be pining for the living souls walking around me, making sure they are complete - instead of being aggravated by some kind of skin blemish or being more concerned with needing time to paint my fingernails.

I painted my fingernails two weeks ago just as the winter holidays began, trying to give myself some kind of celebratory 'self' time.

Good thing it was spent with other people, or else I probably would have been left feeling unsatisfied again.

In doing things for myself I feel comfortable, but  unsatisfied.

I came to the conclusion recently that these kind of thoughts allow me to understand why I have never been able to keep a journal.

I have tried a stupid amount of times, but I can honestly just never keep up with it. I'm beginning to wonder if it's because journals are so self-focused.

I don't get much out of writing about myself.

I wonder if this is a good or bad realization?

What I need to feel happy, to be satisfied, is definitely not myself.

Having Jesus Christ is a given, by the way.

He is the satisfaction of all things in existence.

In a different category, to be satisfied I have to be doing something with other people, or for other people.

I don't even know if the way I view myself is good or bad. I think I simply view myself as irrelevant.

I'm not feeling like I don't matter, per say, but then again... I feel like the reason why I matter is because I'm made to be there with and for others, because they matter.

Hey look, this is inward reflection. This is self-focused, right? Is this contradictory? I don't actually know. I don't understand a lot of things. 

There's really no way to finish these thoughts, since they are completely at random and have been typed out the instant they flew from my brain to my fingers.

So I won't even try to conclude them. I think this is just me, venting into the closest suitable equivalent for a journal to me. It feels more satisfying, because some stranger could read it. It means it won't be just for me to read, even though these words are pretty much nonsense to somebody other than me.

I've confused my sleepy brain again. I shouldn't do this at 2:57am.

I'll just keep holding on to life and existence and meaning and many other things.