I never really admitted it to myself.
The truth of what I really believed, beneath all the fences and the walls and the barricades I was so quick to put up.
It was because I had hidden it so well, I forgot I even had it in there. I covered it with layers and layers and buried it down too deep for me to find ever again.
It's like it got to this point where all these layers were too heavy, and the pressure was too much that the floor of my recognition and acceptance gave way. It fell forever and then landed with a dusty thump on the floor of an empty desert wasteland, somewhere inside me.
The wasteland was this cold, barren land where my real feelings lay unnoticed, tossed aside, shriveled up and dry.
I only know of this place existing in me now, because of God. I could have not discovered the wasteland on my own.
I felt basically fine, living with this bitter place inside me but unknown. The only problem was, the wasteland gave off fumes that raised to the top of my heart, and with it came the bitterness, the apathy, the feeling of life being nonchalant and nonsensical.I had no idea why I was feeling so flat, like everything was just trivial.
It was such an unemotional feeling, which ironically is what caused such an emotional flurry of frustration and stress in me.
The worst part was that I didn't know where these feelings (or lack there of) were coming from, or how to get rid of them. I prayed, I seeked, I raised my hands to my God, I cried out for help. But I didn't know what I was crying help for. So I gave up. And I was still me, I was basically fine. But the bitter fumes kept rising and filling my spirit with apathy.
This week at Hillsong, I suppose, was the only real time I let God in.
I didn't realise, but the fumes were filling my lungs so much, that I ran out of room for air to breathe. I was forgetting to open to God. I just sang the songs and tried to hear from him, but how could I when the fumes fogged my windows, clogged up my ears and blocked me from having any real contact with Him.
I went to Hillsong to be filled and refreshed by Jesus, as is the reason for going. So I guess that was the only time that I held open the door for Him. I'm certain it was only a crack for him to squeeze through while I rudely stood by not really listening.
But that small amount of Jesus being back inside me cleared a little bit of the fumes that were creating a cloud of smog over my heart. And that tiny bit of clear sky made me question why I hadn't seen the sky in a while.
The rest of the week at Hillsong, I was fighting with my emotions. I had become aware that there was something, somewhere inside me that was the reason for my apathy. But I had yet to discover what it was. I was on my way though, and ever so bloomin' slowly, I let up my stubborn attitude and let Jesus clear a bit more of the air in my heart. The more He did, the more violent the fight inside me had become.
And it wasn't until the last night of Hillsong when Pastor Jentezen Franklin nailed one of the many shriveled and dry truths in that wasteland right on the head, that I had discovered the wasteland for myself.
Discarded truth #1: I believed I could never be used by God.
Regardless of how many times I had agreed with people, with the bible, with my own voice, saying otherwise.
Discarded truth #2: I believed God was disappointed in me.
Once again, regardless of what others had said, the devil had been planting these lies inside the wasteland so much that they just grew into weeds that choked my heart and soul.
Discarded truth #3: I believed I was some detestable human being, who irritated and annoyed everyone around me.
It was like it didn't matter what others or what the bible said, Satan had planted those weeds down far too deep for it to change. The reason they couldn't change was because of forgiveness. But at the beginning of this year I know I had finally let go, finally had forgiven. It just wasn't until now that I found I had uprooted these horrible weeds, but I had not yet thrown them away. They were just lying on the ground in the wasteland, emanating those fumes.
I poured everything out to God that He had just shown me.
And now, now I know. And I'm at the beginning of a long process of throwing these weeds away.
Now I really can be used by God, now I really can worship him with everything, now I really do feel free. I no longer have the feeling like everyone is irritated by me. And even if they were, I don't even care. I know I did before, but I can honestly say I don't anymore. I no longer believe God is disappointed in me. He created me for a reason, He does not make mistakes. And I can never let Him down, because It was never me who held Him up.
I now have an unexplainable joy.
The truth shall set you free, and free indeed.
The truth of what I really believed, beneath all the fences and the walls and the barricades I was so quick to put up.
It was because I had hidden it so well, I forgot I even had it in there. I covered it with layers and layers and buried it down too deep for me to find ever again.
It's like it got to this point where all these layers were too heavy, and the pressure was too much that the floor of my recognition and acceptance gave way. It fell forever and then landed with a dusty thump on the floor of an empty desert wasteland, somewhere inside me.
The wasteland was this cold, barren land where my real feelings lay unnoticed, tossed aside, shriveled up and dry.
I only know of this place existing in me now, because of God. I could have not discovered the wasteland on my own.
I felt basically fine, living with this bitter place inside me but unknown. The only problem was, the wasteland gave off fumes that raised to the top of my heart, and with it came the bitterness, the apathy, the feeling of life being nonchalant and nonsensical.I had no idea why I was feeling so flat, like everything was just trivial.
It was such an unemotional feeling, which ironically is what caused such an emotional flurry of frustration and stress in me.
The worst part was that I didn't know where these feelings (or lack there of) were coming from, or how to get rid of them. I prayed, I seeked, I raised my hands to my God, I cried out for help. But I didn't know what I was crying help for. So I gave up. And I was still me, I was basically fine. But the bitter fumes kept rising and filling my spirit with apathy.
This week at Hillsong, I suppose, was the only real time I let God in.
I didn't realise, but the fumes were filling my lungs so much, that I ran out of room for air to breathe. I was forgetting to open to God. I just sang the songs and tried to hear from him, but how could I when the fumes fogged my windows, clogged up my ears and blocked me from having any real contact with Him.
I went to Hillsong to be filled and refreshed by Jesus, as is the reason for going. So I guess that was the only time that I held open the door for Him. I'm certain it was only a crack for him to squeeze through while I rudely stood by not really listening.
But that small amount of Jesus being back inside me cleared a little bit of the fumes that were creating a cloud of smog over my heart. And that tiny bit of clear sky made me question why I hadn't seen the sky in a while.
The rest of the week at Hillsong, I was fighting with my emotions. I had become aware that there was something, somewhere inside me that was the reason for my apathy. But I had yet to discover what it was. I was on my way though, and ever so bloomin' slowly, I let up my stubborn attitude and let Jesus clear a bit more of the air in my heart. The more He did, the more violent the fight inside me had become.
And it wasn't until the last night of Hillsong when Pastor Jentezen Franklin nailed one of the many shriveled and dry truths in that wasteland right on the head, that I had discovered the wasteland for myself.
Discarded truth #1: I believed I could never be used by God.
Regardless of how many times I had agreed with people, with the bible, with my own voice, saying otherwise.
Discarded truth #2: I believed God was disappointed in me.
Once again, regardless of what others had said, the devil had been planting these lies inside the wasteland so much that they just grew into weeds that choked my heart and soul.
Discarded truth #3: I believed I was some detestable human being, who irritated and annoyed everyone around me.
It was like it didn't matter what others or what the bible said, Satan had planted those weeds down far too deep for it to change. The reason they couldn't change was because of forgiveness. But at the beginning of this year I know I had finally let go, finally had forgiven. It just wasn't until now that I found I had uprooted these horrible weeds, but I had not yet thrown them away. They were just lying on the ground in the wasteland, emanating those fumes.
I poured everything out to God that He had just shown me.
And now, now I know. And I'm at the beginning of a long process of throwing these weeds away.
Now I really can be used by God, now I really can worship him with everything, now I really do feel free. I no longer have the feeling like everyone is irritated by me. And even if they were, I don't even care. I know I did before, but I can honestly say I don't anymore. I no longer believe God is disappointed in me. He created me for a reason, He does not make mistakes. And I can never let Him down, because It was never me who held Him up.
I now have an unexplainable joy.
The truth shall set you free, and free indeed.
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