My upcoming road trip around Australia has become a goal I'm aiming for, the rainbow I'm waiting for after the storm. And if I'm really honest with myself, it's the only thing keeping me sane right now. This year has been the most difficult one when it comes to coping with where my life is going. I've been so desperate to just go somewhere, anywhere. I've been aching to get away and travel, to explore and surround myself with new and unfamiliar things, to see a part of the world I have never seen before (which really isn't much at all).
I mean, I always have felt this way. But this year, it's more than a longing, it's vital.
This trip is all a part of it. This trip is exactly what I need now. I feel as if my skin is the only thing that's keeping me from going a thousand differently places and doing a thousand different things at once.
I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting.
17 days.

Like the rising sun that shines, awake my soul.

Not entirely sure if I matter at all.

Sometimes... I get the feeling like I don't really exist. Like now.
I mean, Do I? Am I even alive? Am I breathing in oxygen or is it just false air?
Is this pulse inside me really a heartbeat or is it just the beat of some far off song?

I look around me all too much.
It seems like the people all around me are the important ones. Like they have their own goods and bads and fun times and problems and I'm just... no one.
I guess I've become so involved with trying to help others with their issues and dilemmas that I have forgotten myself. Every love I have is just some common hobby for others. Every sunset is just the sun bidding farewell to someone other than me. So sure, I can see its beauty. But it's not meant for me.
The worst thing is, I am disappointed with myself. It is not a nice truth to come to terms with.
God, please show me a little bit more of who I am meant to be. Cause right now, I just don't know. I am afraid to look in a mirror - in fear of finding my reflection has faded.
If not yet, it is definitely fading...

"Plans to give you hope and a future."

Suddenly, I am very aware of the path my feet are walking on.
I am conscious of who I am.
I am not conscious or aware of where this path leads or who I will one day be.
But I don't need to be.
And more than anything, I am absolutely certain of You, God.
Absolutely certain.

You are here, You have a plan for my life, You love me. These things I know full well.

My Favourite Soul.

She is special beyond understanding, to me. She is so wonderful, so beautiful, so lovable.
She is this familiar, warm-hearted spirit that I have grown alongside, and I wouldn't change a single strand of her DNA. I more than love this one.

I may be moving, to Brisbane...

That lonesome street lit by a single orange street light, two tall white, eroding buildings closing in on either side of me, the unfamiliar stars above but that same glowing moon...
I'm missing it again.
Why does it still hurt?

'...and you know where I'm coming from, Fire Bomb...'

Just let me go back there, please? I wanna be somewhere foreign, somewhere different, somewhere new to explore and to help.
I don't want to be back home right now, I want to be away...

I am open.

Tonight I will fall asleep to dream of you. My steady breathing will slow to match the pace of Your peace. Tomorrow I will wake up with You still resting on my mind. I will open my eyes for You. I will breathe in the fresh day, in dedication to You. Every breath of my lungs and every blink of my eyes will be because of You and for You. And Your heart will beat rhythmically in time with my own, inside of my own. And so each step will be taken with a motive of service and passion and praise. I only want to please You, I only want to love You, for You loved me first. And these hands will hold whatever they can that You need them to hold, and these fingers will be always pointing in the direction of You. You truly are all I need. Using my mouth I will speak life into its place, because of You, and in Your mighty name. Whisper into my big ears and show my dull grey-blue eyes and hold my small right hand and guide my clumsy feet. Be all that You are, in me. I can only stay out of the way of You, and let You do what You are here to do, in me. Less of me and more of You. I pray that I don't hinder Your power and Your love in any way.


Be Lord over my life and do with me what You will. Because I want Your kingdom to come and I want Your will to be done, here on this slowly dying Earth, just as it is in Heaven. I am open now, Jesus.

I never really admitted it to myself.
The truth of what I really believed, beneath all the fences and the walls and the barricades I was so quick to put up.
It was because I had hidden it so well, I forgot I even had it in there. I covered it with layers and layers and buried it down too deep for me to find ever again.
It's like it got to this point where all these layers were too heavy, and the pressure was too much that the floor of my recognition and acceptance gave way. It fell forever and then landed with a dusty thump on the floor of an empty desert wasteland, somewhere inside me.
The wasteland was this cold, barren land where my real feelings lay unnoticed, tossed aside, shriveled up and dry.
I only know of this place existing in me now, because of God. I could have not discovered the wasteland on my own.

I felt basically fine, living with this bitter place inside me but unknown. The only problem was, the wasteland gave off fumes that raised to the top of my heart, and with it came the bitterness, the apathy, the feeling of life being nonchalant and nonsensical.I had no idea why I was feeling so flat, like everything was just trivial.
It was such an unemotional feeling, which ironically is what caused such an emotional flurry of frustration and stress in me.
The worst part was that I didn't know where these feelings (or lack there of) were coming from, or how to get rid of them. I prayed, I seeked, I raised my hands to my God, I cried out for help. But I didn't know what I was crying help for. So I gave up. And I was still me, I was basically fine. But the bitter fumes kept rising and filling my spirit with apathy.

This week at Hillsong, I suppose, was the only real time I let God in.
I didn't realise, but the fumes were filling my lungs so much, that I ran out of room for air to breathe. I was forgetting to open to God. I just sang the songs and tried to hear from him, but how could I when the fumes fogged my windows, clogged up my ears and blocked me from having any real contact with Him.

I went to Hillsong to be filled and refreshed by Jesus, as is the reason for going. So I guess that was the only time that I held open the door for Him. I'm certain it was only a crack for him to squeeze through while I rudely stood by not really listening.
But that small amount of Jesus being back inside me cleared a little bit of the fumes that were creating a cloud of smog over my heart. And that tiny bit of clear sky made me question why I hadn't seen the sky in a while.

The rest of the week at Hillsong, I was fighting with my emotions. I had become aware that there was something, somewhere inside me that was the reason for my apathy. But I had yet to discover what it was. I was on my way though, and ever so bloomin' slowly, I let up my stubborn attitude and let Jesus clear a bit more of the air in my heart. The more He did, the more violent the fight inside me had become.

And it wasn't until the last night of Hillsong when Pastor Jentezen Franklin nailed one of the many shriveled and dry truths in that wasteland right on the head, that I had discovered the wasteland for myself.
Discarded truth #1: I believed I could never be used by God.
Regardless of how many times I had agreed with people, with the bible, with my own voice, saying otherwise.
Discarded truth #2: I believed God was disappointed in me.
Once again, regardless of what others had said, the devil had been planting these lies inside the wasteland so much that they just grew into weeds that choked my heart and soul.
Discarded truth #3: I believed I was some detestable human being, who irritated and annoyed everyone around me.

It was like it didn't matter what others or what the bible said, Satan had planted those weeds down far too deep for it to change. The reason they couldn't change was because of forgiveness. But at the beginning of this year I know I had finally let go, finally had forgiven. It just wasn't until now that I found I had uprooted these horrible weeds, but I had not yet thrown them away. They were just lying on the ground in the wasteland, emanating those fumes.
I poured everything out to God that He had just shown me.

And now, now I know. And I'm at the beginning of a long process of throwing these weeds away.
Now I really can be used by God, now I really can worship him with everything, now I really do feel free. I no longer have the feeling like everyone is irritated by me. And even if they were, I don't even care. I know I did before, but I can honestly say I don't anymore. I no longer believe God is disappointed in me. He created me for a reason, He does not make mistakes. And I can never let Him down, because It was never me who held Him up.
I now have an unexplainable joy.
The truth shall set you free, and free indeed.