And i swear, I'll find myself in the end, in the end.

So there i was, sitting on my bed, my back against the wall, homework resting in my lap as i write down dot points about Elizabethan Theatre. My iPod was sitting in its docking station, music flowing quietly out of the speakers. And on comes this song I hardly ever hear anymore. I used to hear it a lot, back when it was in my special playlist, for the Philippines. And for a moment, a sudden flash of a fleeting moment, i felt like i was there again. Back in the Philippines. Back in the beat-up van with the seats along the sides of the van, with my head practically out the window, gazing out at the rice fields, the mountains where the rogues lived, the blue sky with an occasional puffy cloud, the palm tree leaves providing a mother with just enough shade to rest with her baby, the dry desert ground with a sudden stream running across, the village of people waving goodbye.

Then another song came on that had a similar feel - I was walking through the busy streets of Laoag, watching everyone else watching me, bundles of dangerous cables and wires hanging above me, jeepneys and motorcycles and horses and carts flying past along the roads. And then i was walking down one particular street, just a quiet, lonely back street, barely lit by a single orange street light, wires still hanging everywhere, tall buildings on either side of the road that seem to close you in and make you feel tiny. And when i was walking through that street for real, i remember thinking how this was my lifestyle now, and how i was so used to it all, and also how quickly it will all be gone and i'll be back at home, lying in my bed, wishing i was back here.
And now that's what i'm doing.

And the sudden tears come, knowing the feeling of that life when i was over there; that wonderful, contended feeling of freedom, of simplicity, of purpose, of joy. And oh golly, that freedom. I miss it so much. It scares me to think that the music i can hear now, i was hearing when i was in the Philippines. The song 'search and destroy' by 30stm, i was listening to as our rickety old van was winding 'round the corners of a mountain to take us to a village for a medical mission. I was looking out over the view of the endless rice fields, banana trees and mountains.
And yet while i'm listening to that now, i'm just in bed.
This feeling of missing that, it's a lot deeper than what i've ever had when i have missed somewhere, something, or someone. I mean it's not necessarily a greater feeling of missing, but it's different and it hurts.
I left a lot of my heart back there. And now i have the taste of missions trips in another country i feel like everything else is empty and ordinary.

I MISS IT SO MUCH. It has to be what i'm here on earth for.
I was made to do it, and now that i'm stuck here i feel as though i'm suffocating.
I just have such an urge to be somewhere, anywhere, like the Philippines, with that feeling, that unexplainable feeling of ecstasy when you are doing what you truly love, when you are doing what you are called to do in life.
Cassie, shutup. Stop rambling, stop complaining.
But i FLIPPING JUST WANT TO GO BACK.
Sorry.