Dear Life,

Why?

Why is it all happening now?

Why am i constantly feeling so ill?

Why am i so behind on school work?

Why can i never get enough sleep at night?

Why do i feel like I'm failing two subjects, possibly three?

Why must i be on the brink of failing school completely?

Why does my family have to go through such turmoil?

Why must i feel completely alienated in my class?

Why is there no time for anything i love anymore?

Why does it feel like i'm suffocating in all this mess?

Something has to change.
But what? And how?
I don't like question marks anymore.

Far beyond the Eastern Sky?

Will you take me far beyond the eastern sky

To a place where we turn darkness into light

Will you hold me in the arms that I've desired

And let our hearts dream, the way they used to dream those nights

Another day to see the light

Another chance to make this right

This couldn’t hold you down, you know you're stronger than you seem

So get yourself off the floor, and take a hold of all your dreams

He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain that which he cannot lose.

On my knees again.

Nothing compares to this love, burning in my heart.

There's not much of me.
There's not much of me at all.
But, my Love, there is so much of you.
Oh so much of you for me to discover, to learn of, to love.

I am simple, I am small, and I am afraid.
But you are everything I feel I could never be.
You are unwavering, unmoving, unfathomable.
And the best part is that You, YOU, with all your majesty and your holiness and your power and your perfection,

you love me.

And I am yet to wrap my mind around that.
Such a notion should never be.
You are...
You are my oxygen.
My essential.
You are the entirety of my life, the whole of my purpose in this world.
I am madly, passionately in love with You and all You are.

A song to perfectly fit my heart

In the morning when I wake
And the sun is coming through,
Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness,
And you fill my head with you.

Shall I write it in a letter?
Shall I try to get it down?
Oh, you fill my head with pieces
Of a song I can't get out.

Can I be close to you?
Can I be close to you?

Can I take it to a morning
Where the fields are painted gold
And the trees are filled with memories
Of the feelings never told?

When the evening pulls the sun down,
And the day is almost through,
Oh, the whole world is sleeping,
And my world is you.

Can I be close to you?
Can I be close to you?

The sweet part.

So i haven't written an actual blog blog in a while, have i?
I'll start off with that facebook question most people don't even read anymore;
"what's on your mind?"
Well, many things as usual.
I've realized now that time is always going to be out of my grasp, that it will never do what i want it to do. I've realized that as i get older, the time flies by faster. I can barely believe time is the same the whole way through life, it can't just be me not noticing.
If i look back two years, never could i have imagined i'd be where i am right now in my life.
And i mean that in a very positive way.
And that's the point. I have always been so unexpecting of my life in the past, because i had never had much in my life back then, so i thought i probably never would.
Oh i had hopes and dreams, definitely. But i wouldn't actually feel like they'd ever come true. Not really.
Last year was a horrible one for me to be honest. But i guess i just had to endure the storm before i could get to the rainbow.
And this year started off immediately with amazing things. 4 days into it, a new journey of finding myself began. The Philippines was something i will never ever forget. It was my first taste of missionary work, and traveling overseas. And of course, i want more.
I now crave all of that.
But really, because i was still in my more pessimistic state towards myself achieving anything in life, I would think before the trip came, what happens after the trip? What then? Do i just go back to Australia, back to school, and have everything go back to the way it was? Back to normal?
I hate normal.

But when i returned home from the Philippines i had changed too much already to let anything be back to 'normal'. So it hasn't been normal at all. The summer was a bit confused, with cold weather mixed with sizzling days, when i went to Seaspray beach almost three days in a row.
I'm enjoying school, apart from maths and the occasional failure feeling at Japanese, but i'm getting there.
This term is a really really busy one for me too. But a good kinda busy.
I mean i'm going to the FEMF.
I'm going to Sydney for the Colour Conference two days after that.
I've got my debutante ball on April 1st.
And i'm going along the Great Ocean Road with Steph in the holidays, to then be driven from Lourne to Ringwood so i can go to the Switchfoot concert.
I've also got a few Birthdays thrown in there, as well as my own. no more sweet 16? The funny thing is, there wasn't much sweetness to last year. Well actually there really was, the sweetness being my incredible friends. I have some great memories.
But i think the more sweet side is coming a year late for me. Because i still have those incredible friends, well almost, as well as some exciting things to look forward to thrown in.
And especially after the Philippines trip, my relationship with Christ has taken a new turn which was much needed, and for that i'm loving life so much more.
I may be going to my family reunion in Paynesville too.
Maybe.
But i may have to make some trip to Melbourne or something SO I CAN FIND SOME DEB SHOES. GAH.
And yeah.
Wow.
I've rambled again. But that's pretty much where i'm at with my life.
And that's basically what's on my mind.
Apart from wondering if everyone has left my house yet after my dad's 50th birthday party last night, that somehow turned from a nice get-together at the greyhounds, to an everlasting drunken-laughter fest at four in the morning while i was trying to sleep.

But i like the first topic a bit better.
7 days til i'm 17.