Resurfacing Insanities.

I've been thinking so so much the past week or two, my brain has gone into complete overload.
I never really thought you could think too much, since our brains are always constantly producing thoughts, feelings, emotions, chemicals, etc etc.
But oh, believe me, you can.
I've talked myself in and out of things.
I have complained, aspired, wondered, imagined, argued, decided, and come to terms with countless things, only inside my head.
I know that's basically what you do every day anyway, but it has been different lately.
I've loved life.
I've hated life.
I've wanted to live.
I've wanted to die.
I've wanted to change.
I've wanted to stay the same.
I've wanted to just stop everything, drop everything, and run.
And i have realized i absolutely suck at making decisions.

This year is almost over. Looking back at the first few blog posts, So much has changed.
I've made a lot of progress in my life, but the scary part is that i don't know whether it's a good thing or a slightly not good thing. I mean I'm getting closer to my dreams, and am growing stronger in that sense.
But at the same time, my endurance is growing weaker.
I keep questioning everything now.
And i feel useless.
I remember so many times that have happened in the past, where I have felt so happy and free. But lately i don't think i have ever truly felt that way.
It's Summer. FINALLY.
But it's pouring down rain, outside is cold now.
There are sheets of lightening flashing across the sky and thunder rolling loudly along the clouds.
Funny how it seems to match myself at the moment.
Think about it; Summer is known for it's sunny, hot days, spent with air conditioning, ice cream, beach trips and minimal clothing.
It was hotter when it was Spring.
This Summer so far has been storms, non-stop.
I myself am usually upbeat and happy.
I should be like that right now. I know everyone has ups and downs but gah, I dislike myself a lot when i'm like this.
Maybe these feelings will lift when the clouds do.
I'm just wondering how long that will take.
I told you my endurance is weaker now.

I'm dreaming of a new world, one of my own.
The oceans are emerald green mixed with bright blue.
The grains of sand are tiny crystals washed up on shore.
The drops of rain are diamonds falling.
There is a giant moon always showing, even during the daytime.
I can fly.
And I am free.

Basically, throughout this nonsense i have just typed, I'm not myself.
I don't feel how i should be feeling.
It's the end of the year, almost Christmas, almost New Years, almost 2011, and it IS Summer.
I have the Philippines mission trip coming up, the Skillet concert straight after, the Forest Edge Music Festival on its way which ends on my 17th birthday. Then the Colour Conference. Then possibly Mission's Beach. Then Hillsong again. And that is just what i know of, there is always plenty more things to come.
But STILL, I am not myself.
I don't feel right.
And i don't know if i can anymore.
What is right anyway?

........

Insanity? Clearly.