"...These are signs in my mind that point to a good God..."

"You’re the music in these streams
You’re the movement in these springs
You’re the muse that haunts these dreams
You sing like a school yard

You’re the meadow in my room
You’re the flower yet to bloom
In your eyes I see things new
They’re shining like lost stars

Sweetheart, sweetheart
I pray you never forget who you are
Joy is your birthmark
Yeah, joy is your birthmark

May your eyes always burn bright
And your footsteps grazed with light
When the shadows fall tonight
Pray you still hear the songbirds

May your laughter keep you warm
And your smile hold its form
You’re a flower in these storms
May the rains make you stronger

Sweetheart, sweetheart
I pray you never forget who you are
Joy is your birthmark
Yeah, joy is your birthmark

Cause I see your smiling face
Even in these dying days
I believe in grace redeeming the lost cause
Cause I’ve seen it in your eyes
We are miracles come to life
These are signs in my mind that point to a good God

Sweetheart, sweetheart
You’re stronger than you think you are
Yeah, you’re stronger than you think you are
Joy is your birthmark
Yeah joy is your birthmark"

Why should I worry?

"Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons"

A Hymn for the Missing

  

This is one of the most beautiful songs I have possibly ever heard.

I mean I can't be sure... because that is such a huge statement to make.

But considering the message of the lyrics, it is just so... alright, well I'm at a loss for words, here.

It's so beautiful that I want to cry, but... I actually can't haha.

This song is for the ones who have been lost, the ones who were taken, the ones who went missing.

My prayers tonight are for these ones, and the people who love them.

The Lord is watching them still; He knows where the lost ones are.

Saltwater Heart.

I'm so longing to be free...

So, so close!

So I'm in the final stretch.

The final moments of the school life. Of being a student, a school kid, a 'high school teen', etc. etc.

I'll be stepping into the real world very, very soon and I really am starting to get all fidgety, waiting for it to happen.

I'm not one of those people who hate school and can't wait for it to be gone from their lives.

I'm closer to the opposite of that.

Because honestly, I'm terrified about life after school, knowing I won't have the privileges that came with school life around me anymore.

I think about how I'll be so far removed from a lot of the friends I currently have and I become a bumbling mess of emotions.

But while this is happening, my skin is crawling with anticipation about getting out into the rest of my life, where the bigger things happen.

I'll have a chance next year to do as I please, pick up old hobbies, trace my fingers over old loves like the piano keys sitting dusty in the spare room.

I'll have the time to be myself, and discover what that looks like.

Time.

That's what it's about, isn't it?

I'm actually blogging at 1:02 in the morning while I'm supposed to be cramming for my art SAC tomorrow.

While simultaneously finishing a related Powerpoint presentation.

I hate Powerpoint presentations.

Also while juggling the need for my Vetamorphus workbook to be completed in full by tomorrow morning.

It's all happening, in the life of right now...

Yet I'm flipping BLOGGING.

About an hour ago I was sprawled out in the middle of my floor scribbling lyrics on a ripped out sheet of paper. 

I'm just not good with timing. All the thoughts I want to hold onto come stampeding over my mind while my brain is trying its hardest to be studious in my school studies.

Dude I am so very silly.

 

"...'Cause when I'm on Your shore again, I can feel the ocean. I can feel Your open arms, like a pure emotion. Guess I'm finally free, again..."

I feel so excited just listening to the terrible quality of a recording of Switchfoot performing their new song to a small, privileged crowd in Bali.

I already love it, with the dodgy audio and the lack of musical equipment.

Rambling...

Ready to just... be done with this Ai Weiwei artist and his constant provoking of the Chinese government. 

Ready to be on our spontaneous, yet miraculously organized 5 day trip to Merimbula in the upcoming holidays.

Ready for the new season, too!

"And the Spring is coming soon, my friend..." I keep singing this line from One Heart; One Million Voices by New Empire.

Incredible song.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT I'M GOING.

I wish I was more practical and logical and realistic.

At least during times like these.

I wanna turn it all off...

I know all the lines to say, the part I’m expected to play.
But in the reflection, I am worlds away.
As I put my costume on, eyelashes one by one...
Been doing this so long I can tie the knot behind my back.
And everyone’s waiting, but it’s getting harder to hear what my heart is saying,

'Cause everyone’s waiting...

Just swallow and breathe, she says.
Remember this ain’t for you it’s for them.
And all of those painful lessons you’ve had to learn, you gotta use them.

Now or never.
'Cause everyone’s waiting, but it’s getting harder to hear what my heart keeps saying.
Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off.

When everyone’s waiting .
It makes it harder to hear what my heart keeps saying.
Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off

But everyone’s waiting.
I hear that answers appear when you just stand still,
But make it all - how do you make it all stop,
When everyone’s waiting? 

* * * 

 

There was a comment I glanced upon as I was listening to this song:

"The world around you almost expects you to wear a mask and you get good at it. But deep inside it kills you that you don't even know yourself anymore. You convince yourself that this is a transformation but why is there sadness and guilt when you're alone."

Seeing others speak truthfully on a public internet medium always catches my attention.
The words above are just honest thoughts of some stranger, but haven't we all felt that way?
 We are always so guarded among others, that we analyze everyone around us until we find a fault we can take and use against them later.
We search for the flaws, and we immediately assume those nearby are only looking our way for an alterior motive.
And it's a horrible thing that happens.
As the world pushes for you to change into anything you don't want to be, it becomes common courtesy to assist in pushing others for the same thing. By tugging on the sleeves of others , we are pulling ourselves down.
Why is nobody helping each other?
Why is it that when we have two hands, perfectly capable of reaching out, we insist on using them to point and wag fingers, and shoo others away?

Sorry for such a negative rant, I'm just growing weary from all the pushing and shoving.
Of course it has always happened, and of course there have always been those that extend all four fingers and a thumb instead of just one.
I think I'm just in one of those ruts at the moment. You know, the ones where all you can see are the shaking of heads and all you can hear are the clucking of tongues?
All because you are trying to reach your destination by taking a different road.

This isn't really about just me and my situation, this is about the conventions of the world in general.
I'm just looking at the problem again, rather than doing something about it.
Maybe I'll close my mouth (or in this case, stop typing with my fingers) and stop whining, and move my feet to go and do something worth while.
Yep, I'm going to set my minds on the things above.

Just, holding on.

It's one of those moments for me again, when I feel so frustrated to be just one human.

I want to break off into a hundred different clones of me and explore the world, while being connected to one mind that takes all the experiences in.

I want to go and do things, change things, move things, shake things up a little, bring other things back to their original state, and put other things back in their place.

I want to look and see, and hear everything, and learn about it all. I want to be able to take life in, to grasp the incredible meaning of the small, delicate things, along with the big, strong things.

I want to understand the enormity of everything's purpose in this existential life.

"All of my days are spent within this skin; within this cage that I'm in."

I want to meet everyone. I want to learn about them, hear their stories, talk with them, share with them, be there for them, understand them.

...I think that's a really big thing for me. I want to understand.

I'm tired of being self-focused, inward-centered, and me-orientated.

I don't think I feel very satisfied when I'm spending time thinking about me.

The time is just wasted.

There are moments when I take on the mentality of, "Well, I know Jesus, therefore I am complete. I don't care what happens to me, now."

Not in the sense that I don't care about my life, because that is far from the truth.

I value the fact that I am alive. Having blood in your veins and breath in your lungs is something to be ecstatic for. But when are we ever really ecstatic about that?

Have we ever been?

What I think when I say 'I don't care what happens to me', is that I should be pining for the living souls walking around me, making sure they are complete - instead of being aggravated by some kind of skin blemish or being more concerned with needing time to paint my fingernails.

I painted my fingernails two weeks ago just as the winter holidays began, trying to give myself some kind of celebratory 'self' time.

Good thing it was spent with other people, or else I probably would have been left feeling unsatisfied again.

In doing things for myself I feel comfortable, but  unsatisfied.

I came to the conclusion recently that these kind of thoughts allow me to understand why I have never been able to keep a journal.

I have tried a stupid amount of times, but I can honestly just never keep up with it. I'm beginning to wonder if it's because journals are so self-focused.

I don't get much out of writing about myself.

I wonder if this is a good or bad realization?

What I need to feel happy, to be satisfied, is definitely not myself.

Having Jesus Christ is a given, by the way.

He is the satisfaction of all things in existence.

In a different category, to be satisfied I have to be doing something with other people, or for other people.

I don't even know if the way I view myself is good or bad. I think I simply view myself as irrelevant.

I'm not feeling like I don't matter, per say, but then again... I feel like the reason why I matter is because I'm made to be there with and for others, because they matter.

Hey look, this is inward reflection. This is self-focused, right? Is this contradictory? I don't actually know. I don't understand a lot of things. 

There's really no way to finish these thoughts, since they are completely at random and have been typed out the instant they flew from my brain to my fingers.

So I won't even try to conclude them. I think this is just me, venting into the closest suitable equivalent for a journal to me. It feels more satisfying, because some stranger could read it. It means it won't be just for me to read, even though these words are pretty much nonsense to somebody other than me.

I've confused my sleepy brain again. I shouldn't do this at 2:57am.

I'll just keep holding on to life and existence and meaning and many other things.

I see you dreaming.

What are you waiting for? The day is gone.

I said, I'm waiting for dawn.

What are you aiming for, out here alone?

I said I'm aiming for home.

Holding on, holding on

With red eyes.

What are you looking for, 

With red eyes, red eyes?

All of my days are spent within this skin;

Within this cage that I'm in.

Nowhere feels safe to me; nowhere feels home.

Even in crowds, I'm alone.

Holding on, I'm holding on

With red eyes.

Every now and then I see you dreaming.

Every now and then I see you cry.

Every now and then I see you reaching,

Reaching for the other side.

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

With your red eyes,

What are you looking for?
With red eyes, red eyes.

In this needle and haystack life,

I've found miracles there in your eyes.

It's no accident we're here, tonight.

What are you waiting for?

We are once in a lifetime.

What are you waiting for?

We are once in a lifetime.

Waiting?

Alive; We are once in a lifetime.

Why are you waiting?
Waiting?