Just, holding on.

It's one of those moments for me again, when I feel so frustrated to be just one human.

I want to break off into a hundred different clones of me and explore the world, while being connected to one mind that takes all the experiences in.

I want to go and do things, change things, move things, shake things up a little, bring other things back to their original state, and put other things back in their place.

I want to look and see, and hear everything, and learn about it all. I want to be able to take life in, to grasp the incredible meaning of the small, delicate things, along with the big, strong things.

I want to understand the enormity of everything's purpose in this existential life.

"All of my days are spent within this skin; within this cage that I'm in."

I want to meet everyone. I want to learn about them, hear their stories, talk with them, share with them, be there for them, understand them.

...I think that's a really big thing for me. I want to understand.

I'm tired of being self-focused, inward-centered, and me-orientated.

I don't think I feel very satisfied when I'm spending time thinking about me.

The time is just wasted.

There are moments when I take on the mentality of, "Well, I know Jesus, therefore I am complete. I don't care what happens to me, now."

Not in the sense that I don't care about my life, because that is far from the truth.

I value the fact that I am alive. Having blood in your veins and breath in your lungs is something to be ecstatic for. But when are we ever really ecstatic about that?

Have we ever been?

What I think when I say 'I don't care what happens to me', is that I should be pining for the living souls walking around me, making sure they are complete - instead of being aggravated by some kind of skin blemish or being more concerned with needing time to paint my fingernails.

I painted my fingernails two weeks ago just as the winter holidays began, trying to give myself some kind of celebratory 'self' time.

Good thing it was spent with other people, or else I probably would have been left feeling unsatisfied again.

In doing things for myself I feel comfortable, but  unsatisfied.

I came to the conclusion recently that these kind of thoughts allow me to understand why I have never been able to keep a journal.

I have tried a stupid amount of times, but I can honestly just never keep up with it. I'm beginning to wonder if it's because journals are so self-focused.

I don't get much out of writing about myself.

I wonder if this is a good or bad realization?

What I need to feel happy, to be satisfied, is definitely not myself.

Having Jesus Christ is a given, by the way.

He is the satisfaction of all things in existence.

In a different category, to be satisfied I have to be doing something with other people, or for other people.

I don't even know if the way I view myself is good or bad. I think I simply view myself as irrelevant.

I'm not feeling like I don't matter, per say, but then again... I feel like the reason why I matter is because I'm made to be there with and for others, because they matter.

Hey look, this is inward reflection. This is self-focused, right? Is this contradictory? I don't actually know. I don't understand a lot of things. 

There's really no way to finish these thoughts, since they are completely at random and have been typed out the instant they flew from my brain to my fingers.

So I won't even try to conclude them. I think this is just me, venting into the closest suitable equivalent for a journal to me. It feels more satisfying, because some stranger could read it. It means it won't be just for me to read, even though these words are pretty much nonsense to somebody other than me.

I've confused my sleepy brain again. I shouldn't do this at 2:57am.

I'll just keep holding on to life and existence and meaning and many other things.

I see you dreaming.

What are you waiting for? The day is gone.

I said, I'm waiting for dawn.

What are you aiming for, out here alone?

I said I'm aiming for home.

Holding on, holding on

With red eyes.

What are you looking for, 

With red eyes, red eyes?

All of my days are spent within this skin;

Within this cage that I'm in.

Nowhere feels safe to me; nowhere feels home.

Even in crowds, I'm alone.

Holding on, I'm holding on

With red eyes.

Every now and then I see you dreaming.

Every now and then I see you cry.

Every now and then I see you reaching,

Reaching for the other side.

What are you waiting for?

What are you waiting for?

With your red eyes,

What are you looking for?
With red eyes, red eyes.

In this needle and haystack life,

I've found miracles there in your eyes.

It's no accident we're here, tonight.

What are you waiting for?

We are once in a lifetime.

What are you waiting for?

We are once in a lifetime.

Waiting?

Alive; We are once in a lifetime.

Why are you waiting?
Waiting?

I will sing.

"So here we are at the end of the world. And the beginning. Here we are at the dawn of the next generation. Y2K has passed us by. MLK, Kennedy, Elvis, Lennon, Cobain, MJ… they have all left the living. They have left us searching, wondering, hoping… I read the headlines, I watch the news. Iraq, Rwanda, Iran, Darfur, Tibet, Columbine, OKC… Towers falling, mothers, brothers, sisters, fathers… passing from life to death. We’re killing one another, destroying each other. Sometimes the state of the world can bring a man to his knees. It could make you cry. I get angry. I get overwhelmed. I give up… almost. Sometimes, I find myself staring into a blood red dawn, still awake from the night before. Still wondering why this new day has so much of the old darkness, the old sorrows, the old hatred. I feel so alone. I feel so alone in this world of pain.
All my heroes are the ones who ran after the higher vision, the news that stays new. We’ve been chasing lesser gods, gods who do not know our names, gods who will die alongside of us. The kingdom of the heavens does not come to us in our wealth, it comes to our in our poverty. Our money, our knowledge, our medicine, our sex, our privilege- these are double-edged swords, dependent upon our own shaking hands for guidance. With our two hands we build up and destroy, we hold and break the future. My own hands are shaking. I reach for the new day with fear and trembling. I’m reaching for a bird called hope, for the one true song who could bring me home. I’m waiting for dawn. I’m dreaming, reaching for the other side.
At the end of the record there is a reprise that goes back to the first song. For me this is a reminder of the repetitive nature of all that we call life. Wonder, surrender, joy, forgiveness, hope- yes, give us today the daily bread of our moment by moment existence. This life is so fragile- at any instance one of us could slip beyond this life into the infinite unknown. It’s as though every breath we take has been given to us on loan. We are surrounded by mysteries, miracles, wonders, and tragedies that we will never master. Yes, I will die one day- of this I am certain. But I’m not dead yet! No, tonight there is breath in my lungs- pushing, pulsing, yearning to break free… I will dream, for dreams are the seeds of what may be. I will wonder, for without wonder, how could life be wonderful? And I will sing.
Yes, until my pending death I will sing. In the face of indifference, I will sing. In the face of adversity, I will sing. I will sing about the pain. I will sing about the mystery. I will sing of the hope, the cage, the bullet, the winter, the dreamer. I will sing of all of these. I’ve seen miracles there in your eyes. It’s no accident we’re here tonight. We are once in a lifetime."

- Jon Foreman.

Your innocence will radiate like the dawn, 

And the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Science & Faith

You won't find faith or hope down a telescope. You won't find heart and soul in the stars.

You can break everything down to chemicals, But you can't explain a love like ours.

1D - What Makes You Beautiful (Boyce Avenue cover)

Since when do I enjoy this song?! I absolutely LOVE this.

Human trafficking.

"The greatest and most shameful regrets of history is always about the truth we failed to tell."—Haugen 2005

Humans are being taken against their will, bought, sold and transported into slavery for sexual exploitation, sweat shops, child brides, circuses, sacrificial worship, forced begging, sale of human organs, farm labour, domestic servitude. Family members and friends are deceiving parents to release their children or sell them for as little as $20 each, selling them on to local gangmasters or serious organised international trafficking rings. 2–4 MILLION men, women and children are trafficked across borders and within their own country every year. More than one person is trafficked across borders EVERY MINUTE, which is equivalent to ten jumbo jets every day. This is a trade that earns twice as much worldwide revenue as Coca Cola. victims usually suffer repeated physical abuse, fear, torture and threats to families to break their spirits and turn them into saleable commodities. They are stripped of their rights and their worth.
600,000-800,000 men, women and children are trafficked across international borders each year. Approximately 80 per cent are women and girls. Up to 50% are minors.
Human trafficking in the second largest source of illegal income worldwide exceeded only by drugs trafficking. There are even reports that some trafficking groups are switching their cargo from drugs to human beings, in a search of high profits at lower risk. Just thought we should remember these things. We can actually do things to stop it. But most of the time, we don't think about it. This is here to think about.