Without You, I am nothing.

Search my heart, Search my soul.
There's nothing else that I want more.

Shine your light, show your face.
In my life, Lord have your way.

With all my heart, and all my soul,
With all I am, Lord I will follow You.

You took the cross, You took my shame, restored my life, now I live to worship You.

Without You, I am nothing.
Simple as that.

"I am that clown"

An excerpt from 'The Traveller's Guide, from death to life'. "...Simply a delusion, to think that because you see persons laughing and indulging in noisy merriment, they must necessarily be happy. A loud laugh or empty joke is often one of the coverings that one uses to conceal an aching heart. A man once went to consult a doctor about his health: he complained that he suffered from such overwhelming depression that his life was unbearable. The doctor examined him, and after a little while remarked that he wanted nothing except some lively amusement, to divert his thoughts from himself. "Try a lively novel - that woulde be about the best medicine you could take." The man shook his head, as if doubtful of the prescription, and then the doctor said again, "Well, I'll tell you what to do to cheer yourself up; go to such and such a theatre, and see what that will do for you." Still a turn of the head showed the patient had no confidence in the proposal helping him. "Well," said the doctor, "I can but think of one other thing or person that would help you, and if that does not do so, I am unable to help you. Go and see that great clown that has lately arrived, and is drawing such crowds with his merriment; and if you suffer from depression after hearing and watching him, I shall be surprised." "Ah," said the poor man, in a tone of the deepest distress, "I am that clown." There are many who might tell the same tale. Two voices in your ear today, one shouting promises of enjoyment and amusement, and trying to drown the other, a still small voice that repeats tenderly, "Come unto Me, all that labour and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." That rest has been dearly purchased for you, The Lord Jesus left His throne above, and came down here, that He might buy it for you, and He now offers it freely to you. "He is our peace"-Eph. 2:14, "Joy unspeakable"-1 Pet. 1:8, "God commandds His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us"-Rom. 5:8.

Children, you are hope for justice.

Stand firm in the truth now.

Set your hearts on fire.

You will be reaching, long after we're gone.

And they will know you by your love.

The Traveller's Guide.

"Depth of mercy, can there be
Mercy still reserved for me?
Can my God His wrath forbear?
Me, the chief of sinners, spare?

There for me the Saviour stands,
Shows His wounds and spreads His hands.
God is love, I know and feel-
Jesus lives and loves me still."

Found this in a book, a really reeeallllyyy old book called "The Traveller's Guide - From Death to Life". And it's this incredibly old book from who knows how long ago, with the beautiful big swirly first letters on each page, and proper sounding English, and all these analogies and stories that show the simplicity of how wonderful God really is.
This little song was out of a story about an actress, who heard little children playing on the streets and singing the words as they played. And funnily enough, somehow these words saved her.
I mean, i look at these words and my brain becomes filled with dot dot dot's and question marks.
I like it a lot, i do. But it's not exactly something i know would capture my attention so suddenly if i heard it.
Although, clearly, something about it DID capture my attention, since i'm taking the time to write it down and blog about it. I think it's just the fact that the words are so old-sounding, yet that makes it beautiful to me. Also it's the fact that these words have actually saved a human's life.
Yeah...
Yeah.

Oh and another thing, is just that I LOVE THIS BOOK. I mean, it's SO old. I wonder who has owned it, who has read it and looked at the very pages i have... Who has held it in their hands and who has been impacted by what it says inside? (I guess i should have explained that this particular book is very tattered and torn and the pages are worn out and dull and faded... which makes it all the more beautiful. Keren, my mum's friend, searched it out, however she does that, and after months, actually found one and ended up giving it to mum. And now i've stolen it, because i've seen it sitting on the counter for a while now and it's red leather-bound cover is a little hard to just walk by and not notice.)
WOW. Rambles.
Sorry.
I just got a bit excited is all. I love old things. They intrigue me. I must start collecting old things.

And i swear, I'll find myself in the end, in the end.

So there i was, sitting on my bed, my back against the wall, homework resting in my lap as i write down dot points about Elizabethan Theatre. My iPod was sitting in its docking station, music flowing quietly out of the speakers. And on comes this song I hardly ever hear anymore. I used to hear it a lot, back when it was in my special playlist, for the Philippines. And for a moment, a sudden flash of a fleeting moment, i felt like i was there again. Back in the Philippines. Back in the beat-up van with the seats along the sides of the van, with my head practically out the window, gazing out at the rice fields, the mountains where the rogues lived, the blue sky with an occasional puffy cloud, the palm tree leaves providing a mother with just enough shade to rest with her baby, the dry desert ground with a sudden stream running across, the village of people waving goodbye.

Then another song came on that had a similar feel - I was walking through the busy streets of Laoag, watching everyone else watching me, bundles of dangerous cables and wires hanging above me, jeepneys and motorcycles and horses and carts flying past along the roads. And then i was walking down one particular street, just a quiet, lonely back street, barely lit by a single orange street light, wires still hanging everywhere, tall buildings on either side of the road that seem to close you in and make you feel tiny. And when i was walking through that street for real, i remember thinking how this was my lifestyle now, and how i was so used to it all, and also how quickly it will all be gone and i'll be back at home, lying in my bed, wishing i was back here.
And now that's what i'm doing.

And the sudden tears come, knowing the feeling of that life when i was over there; that wonderful, contended feeling of freedom, of simplicity, of purpose, of joy. And oh golly, that freedom. I miss it so much. It scares me to think that the music i can hear now, i was hearing when i was in the Philippines. The song 'search and destroy' by 30stm, i was listening to as our rickety old van was winding 'round the corners of a mountain to take us to a village for a medical mission. I was looking out over the view of the endless rice fields, banana trees and mountains.
And yet while i'm listening to that now, i'm just in bed.
This feeling of missing that, it's a lot deeper than what i've ever had when i have missed somewhere, something, or someone. I mean it's not necessarily a greater feeling of missing, but it's different and it hurts.
I left a lot of my heart back there. And now i have the taste of missions trips in another country i feel like everything else is empty and ordinary.

I MISS IT SO MUCH. It has to be what i'm here on earth for.
I was made to do it, and now that i'm stuck here i feel as though i'm suffocating.
I just have such an urge to be somewhere, anywhere, like the Philippines, with that feeling, that unexplainable feeling of ecstasy when you are doing what you truly love, when you are doing what you are called to do in life.
Cassie, shutup. Stop rambling, stop complaining.
But i FLIPPING JUST WANT TO GO BACK.
Sorry.

*Big Sigh*

Do you mind?

Life is ridiculous, in all the good and bad ways it can be. But i don't actually think i mind it all that much. In fact it makes me go crazy, go out of my mind. But i don't mind that either. I mean, keeping in mind all the horrible stuff going on in this world, but i believe when we stand back and look at our lives, the good will weigh out the bad. We just have to look for the good in everything. I have a mindful of all this. Mind you, I always seem to have a mindful of everything. But that's ok, i still don't mind.