Resurfacing Insanities.

I've been thinking so so much the past week or two, my brain has gone into complete overload.
I never really thought you could think too much, since our brains are always constantly producing thoughts, feelings, emotions, chemicals, etc etc.
But oh, believe me, you can.
I've talked myself in and out of things.
I have complained, aspired, wondered, imagined, argued, decided, and come to terms with countless things, only inside my head.
I know that's basically what you do every day anyway, but it has been different lately.
I've loved life.
I've hated life.
I've wanted to live.
I've wanted to die.
I've wanted to change.
I've wanted to stay the same.
I've wanted to just stop everything, drop everything, and run.
And i have realized i absolutely suck at making decisions.

This year is almost over. Looking back at the first few blog posts, So much has changed.
I've made a lot of progress in my life, but the scary part is that i don't know whether it's a good thing or a slightly not good thing. I mean I'm getting closer to my dreams, and am growing stronger in that sense.
But at the same time, my endurance is growing weaker.
I keep questioning everything now.
And i feel useless.
I remember so many times that have happened in the past, where I have felt so happy and free. But lately i don't think i have ever truly felt that way.
It's Summer. FINALLY.
But it's pouring down rain, outside is cold now.
There are sheets of lightening flashing across the sky and thunder rolling loudly along the clouds.
Funny how it seems to match myself at the moment.
Think about it; Summer is known for it's sunny, hot days, spent with air conditioning, ice cream, beach trips and minimal clothing.
It was hotter when it was Spring.
This Summer so far has been storms, non-stop.
I myself am usually upbeat and happy.
I should be like that right now. I know everyone has ups and downs but gah, I dislike myself a lot when i'm like this.
Maybe these feelings will lift when the clouds do.
I'm just wondering how long that will take.
I told you my endurance is weaker now.

I'm dreaming of a new world, one of my own.
The oceans are emerald green mixed with bright blue.
The grains of sand are tiny crystals washed up on shore.
The drops of rain are diamonds falling.
There is a giant moon always showing, even during the daytime.
I can fly.
And I am free.

Basically, throughout this nonsense i have just typed, I'm not myself.
I don't feel how i should be feeling.
It's the end of the year, almost Christmas, almost New Years, almost 2011, and it IS Summer.
I have the Philippines mission trip coming up, the Skillet concert straight after, the Forest Edge Music Festival on its way which ends on my 17th birthday. Then the Colour Conference. Then possibly Mission's Beach. Then Hillsong again. And that is just what i know of, there is always plenty more things to come.
But STILL, I am not myself.
I don't feel right.
And i don't know if i can anymore.
What is right anyway?

........

Insanity? Clearly.

That is why

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of,
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall.
And I am not immune, I only want to be loved,
But I feel safe behind the firewall.

Burn away the pride,
Bring me to my weakness,
'til everything I hide behind is gone.
And when I'm open wide,
With nothing left to cling to,
Only You are there to lead me on.

'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.

If you want the truth, I need to confess:

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside.
And all I go through, it leads me to You, it leads me to You.

I'm not alright.
I'm not alright.
I'm not alright.

... that's why I need You.

Does anybody hear?

She is running a hundred miles an hour, in the wrong direction.
She is trying,
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart.

So she sets out on another misadventure, just to find
She's another two years older,
And she's three more steps behind.

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple,
With all the lost and lonely people,
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me.
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection,
That she never found at home.
She is searching
For a hero to ride in,
To ride in and save the day.
And in walks her prince charming,
And he knows just what to say.
Momentary lapse of reason,
And she gives herself away.

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple,
With all the lost and lonely people,
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me.
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple,
If lofty glances from lofty people,
Can't see past her scarlet letter,
And we've never even met her.

He is running a hundred miles an hour, in the wrong direction...

Death is appealing to me.

Your telescope eyes
See everything clearly
My vision is blurred
But i know what i heard
Echoing all around.

Oh can you feel the gravity falling

Calling us home

Oh can you see the stars colliding

Shining just to show

We belong.

Infinite

"You can remove a part of infinity, or add a part to infinity. But still, what remains is infinity."

∞

Let's waste time.

If i lay here
If i just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?